It’s been five days, five days since I have put my world down. The first few days I found breath, I found anger, I cried and cried and didn’t move. Now I have exhaustion and a pure desperation to tell my soul sista everything that I’m feeling.

I have written a million letters in my head, found amazing solutions to my life, fantasised about unobtainable possibilities and cried some more. I am deconstructing my last 18 months, pulling all my demons out into the open, beating the shit out of myself, wondering who I am, what I am and how the fuck I’ve landed here.

While I have been beating myself up I have also got out of bed every morning, brushed my teeth sometimes my hair got dressed and I have continued with my life as a mum, friend, nurse, part part, sister, daughter and surprisingly I have found a speck of me.

Me …… missing in action……. I have had so much action that I went awol in my own existence my own life.

I don’t want to talk to anyone about that, I don’t want to share my thoughts or feelings, I don’t want to open my head. That’s a lie I do but while I have been MIA so has my soul sista, our lives have been on a roller coaster, journey, clouded what ever you want to call it. I have forgotten how to be her BFF her soul sista and she mine. I stopped talking.. my soul sista was the only person who I would really pull my life apart with.

I don’t want …… is not a good way to start anything….. what I would like is better…. I would like my BFF I would like everything to be left at that door, left at that point, left where it was last had and I want my soul sista back. 

Tantrum yes…. I miss my best friend… 

I need to walk my path journey what ever you wish to call it. I need to find me be me come out from hiding and live again.

I just don’t want to talk to anyone about it… maybe awol and MIA is right where I need to be.