It’s been almost four weeks since I made the huge revelation that I have been missing in action. There are days I wish I hadn’t.
One of the reasons I lost me was that I was helping a friend. She and I work together, our jobs are challenging and don’t promote good work life balance. When we were having a moment of calmness on night shift we would eat something together or share a cuppa and talk…. lots of soul stuff was let out and neither of us judged we just supported, hence the friendship grew. A few of our other colleagues joined in and we walked every week up to 15 kms then had lunch and never stopped talking sharing our lives. We had formed a bond of soul sistas.
The above quote applied to the six of us beautifully. However things changed as they do, Sam left her husband, we knew that was coming but she did it unplanned and rapidly. We all supported and helped where we could. One of the tribe opened up her house to SAM and her girls. This was about the time that Sam started telling me how much she loved me and our friendship, she started to cut her wrists, I was getting calls and messages all hours of the day and night. I would walk her to her house see her in and by the time I had walked back to my car she was cutting with blades she had stolen from work. I thought I was coping I thought I was helping her but eventually I couldn’t see the wood for the trees so I let the other four girls know.
The support was amazing, we did an intervention……
We the five of us had a meeting, of course there was food….. we talked about how to help Sam, we had a plan. It was at this meeting that the others mentioned the attachment she had developed for me…. I let them all know that on a drunken night Sam had tried to kiss me, I waved it off as alcohol fuelled emotion. And really why would she have feelings for me?
So we executed the plan, we talked to work, I went with her to her psychologist and again we made plans, she moved in with her mum nad we thought things were improving. They weren’t. At this point I wondered if we were dealing with borderline personality disorder, Sam was defiantly ticking the boxes. We were all exhausted.
Things hit a very low point when we couldn’t get SAM to see straight, she by this stage had moved into a town house and was really off the rails, she would go missing at work, she looked disheveled and she was loosing weight. The cutting was worse.
We would all get messages of the photo above, Sam was on a path that we couldn’t help her with. We called the police and ambulance and she was put in seclusion for six hours then released with no follow up, just medication.
What we didn’t know was, her husband had been with her every night except for the night we called the services. We were supporting her, cooking her food, speaking with her every hour and none of us knew that the husband was cooking for her cleaning for her, putting her in the shower every day, dressing her and doing her hair as she had now got to a point that she was unable to.
Eventually when we were all exhausted and stressed and at a loss for what to do, with my soul sista by my side I called the husband, we talked for hours and his stories and our stories were not too dissimilar. The 20 shades of Sam we called it.
All through this the girls had said step back, she’s really attached to you and it’s not normal, her husband asked if we were involved, and still I did not see the warning signs.
We got her admitted to a psych unit where she tried to take her life, beyond the cutting. I had asked her outright if she was I love with me and she denied any sort of romantic feeling. I was satisfied and continued to give her unwavering support.
The breaking point, well there were two actually:
1. I went to visit once she was out of hospital we cooked and went for a swim, it was then that I noticed she had all the same hair and body products that I use in her bathroom, that might not seem odd but for SAM it was, you see Sam was very particular about her hair and the products she used, she used to tell me what products I should be using. I took a breath walked out of the bathroom and it was only then that I noticed she had her hair cut like mine. There was still a part of me that was saying …. it’s all in your head…..
2. It was ten pm I was at work dealing with a domestic situation. When I returned to the office my counterpart had come in early and said to me …. Sams husband has called you need to call him…… this was the conversation …..
You talk to my fucking wife, she’s sitting in her room watching lesbian porn looking at photos of you cutting herself.
I did miss something, I didn’t notice the 30 plus messages a day, or the calls, I didn’t notice the pledges of love. I did know that she was questioning her sexuality but my soul sista was supporting her with that area of her life, it had nothing to do with me, did it?
She went back to hospital and I ceased contact as she was never going to heal her life or family with me in it. Her husband was crying to me on the phone saying he could not compete with me. I didn’t know I was the competition until that point.
It hasn’t been easy as we had what I thought was a great friendship. You don’t walk away from friends when life isn’t great you stand with them and walk that path of fire and you support, that’s what friends do. However I am like heroine to her, so I need to walk away.
She is now back at work and it’s started again, I’m getting messages and phone calls, she is putting herself on the same courses as me and she is telling people to give me messages…. all I can do is document, report , remain professional and ignore everything.
I feel like I have acknowledged the first part of missing in action ….. I have put this down, I have had my moment of sadness and I think I have finally reconciled with the whole friendship relationship thing……..
Now to work on the other parts….