It’s taken three months to start being present in my own life again.

When I say my own life, I mean my life, not my kids, not my relationships and not my family’s, but mine.

There are a few things I have realised in the last three months….

1: while I don’t live in the past, my past has shaped a lot of my emotional ways. My past has allowed me to understand my present. That is I am someone who serves….. I put everyone and everything first. I have done this from a young age that doesn’t mean that I have to continue, however putting me first is like a baby learning to walk clinging to furniture, falling over a lot but not giving up.

2: that I don’t need possessions to make a home, home starts from within and is anywhere you lay your feet. I have been homeless, I have slept in cars and on beaches, we moved a lot… so I needed stability. I saw stability as a house and marriage. Stability is within me.

3: that I am important and worthy of love and friendship

I have had so many revelations in the last three months. I’m tired, I’m tired as this is exhausting. Today I haven’t been controlled or structured, I’ve been unsettled. I’m trying to work out why and there are a few reasons. I needed to apologise to my soul sista and I haven’t been able to, her voice calms me and I’m feeling disconnected. My youngest is pushing every button he can and today I don’t have the energy so I’ve picked no battles (secretly I think he’s exhausted as there’s no rise from me). I have also realised that I’m tired. I’m processing my marriage which needs sorting through, I’m processing the discovery of me and I’m processing my relationships….. then there’s normal life to live. 

I wish I was better at this, I wish I could wake up and say or feel “yep it’s a tired day so be kind” ….. 

I did garden, I baked and I binged on Netflix, I played with my boys and cooked an amazing corned beef (a treat for me and the boys, first real day of school holidays) It hasn’t been a bad day, I’m just unsettled.

I’m enjoying moments of realisation… I’m enjoying discovering me and finding my voice in my private life….. 

I don’t think I’m missing in action anymore…. I’m here,…… feeling and discovering